karat to the extreme!

Okay... I've asked U to stay away from this entry.. don't read laa.. hahaha.. *sigh* it's not too late for you to click the 'BACK' button U know.. i tell you, this is gonna be the most JIWANG episode U've ever seen, so please.. jgn laa me'menyampahkan' diri dgn membaca entry yg karut ni. *sigh* i've actually thought of not publishing my entry for public view lately.. because I, myself, am very aware of the fact that I've been so angau with abang Ed now dat I can't help writing all abt it in my blog.. *sigh* i mean, I'm actually embarassed with myself.. but at the same time.. there are certain people ( my close girlfriends to be precise) that I wanted to share this thingy with.. tapi masalahnya I've given this add to a few selected people yg bukan girls gak.. and I know I've made like this very bad impression of myself on them.. hehehehe... so, yups.. mmg malu nie.. tapi tu laa... this is just me... hmm.. xpe laa.. pape pun, kalau kita jumpa.. bua2 je laa korang tak pernah see this 'angau' and 'perasan' side of me k? :)

so, right now.. I'll assume that no one actually dares reading this.. so I'm gonna write ikut suka hati.. :)

hmm.. so yups just now in the Eid Part entry I mentioned abt what Aishah said abt going for Ed because he's better-looking than Enrico.. pastu I said that I'm soooooo gonna do that. hmmm.. dats just doesn't sound right, kan? it's like I'm saying the only reason I'm all crazy for abang Ed is because of his looks. WRONG!

there are soooo many reason why he is better than Mode & Enrico... and I've been thinking abt them for days dah..

I feel comfortable talking to him... just like when I'm with Mode dulu.. yes, that's the MAIN reason to keep me glued to someone. Conversation. I guess the fact that both of them have a few things in common with me.. kampung kat Melaka, ex-SBP, know the same people... that reason alone is enough to makes us have something to talk/fight about & can understand each other intuitively.. when I was with Enrico dulu.. it's like soooo weird. The fact that we are from different religion, nationality & family background makes it really hard for me not to feel inferior around him... *sigh* ... tapi the good thing abt Enrico is he's such a sweet-talker & likes to manja'ed me bla bla bla.. and I like the way he approached me during the Pool Party and introduce himself to me.. that just shows how much he wants to get to know me.. ada effort, bagus. Yups.. I love it when guys make effort like dat U know.. I guess it's just natural for people to feel very excited to know that someone's making the extra effort to be with them...

But U see.. he's still a school boy who is not sure what he really wants & still at this confusing stage in life where love is not really taken as a serious thing.. i think, for him, he only sees love as going out during social hour to tuckshop, endless meaningless jiwang conversation & texts on the phone without making an effort to make a real connection with me.. gosh! that's too harsh, ain't it... no, no, no.. i take back my words.. he does make the effort to get to know me.. but I guess I was in such a mess myself masa tu..

I've always had this inferiority complex thing going on... I mean KTJ itself is a private school for anak2 orang kaya.. and I came from a humble background.. being surrounded with all these classy, kaya people makes me that I'm not good enough to mix around with them.. u know.. so, I'm not really comfortable talking abt my background with Enrico.. I mean tgk laa.. dia from Medan ( tempat duduk org2 kaya Indon!).. his mum a doctor, dad businessman.. *sigh* I guess the years of growing up watching TV programme where mak2 org kaya nie slalu x approve anak be in a r'ship with orang miskin has taken its toll on me.. so, U see, I already have this concept in mind.. to make matters worst, he's a Christian! of course mama dia x approve & he's a mummy's boy, U know.. mmg sah2 laa mak dia is not happy hearing abt me... and do U think I'll be comfy being in a relationship where my bf's mum do not like me? of course not!

Masa ngan Mode pun ada sikit rasa inferior because I know he lives in Damansara Heights( area org kaya tu!) and his parents from a very well-known family... tapi takde laa terasa inferior sgt sbb we have other things in common. pastu I can actually confessed to him abt my inferiority-complex problem & he totally understands that & tries his best to make me feel comfortable being with him.. I guess the fact he's 8 years older makes me so secured around him & he's always looking after me & manja'ed me :) :) i like it when he layan me like a lil' girl :) with Enrico, being 3 years older than him doesn't give me the chance to let my inner-little-manja-girl out U see.. *sigh* damn! now I'm missing Mode!! okay, okay.. focus, focus... Edrian Fadhil, Edrian Fadhil...

abang Ed on the other hand is just nice.. i mean our age difference.. kalau dulu I take the extreme 8 years older & 3 years younger.. right now it's just 3 years older! :) mcm Mode dulu wen we met, he's already 26 years old.. the age where every guys are trying to find someone whom they can settle down with & get married U know.. and me, I was barely 18 and just finished high school. Dia lak dah nak grad with degree.. the timing is not right. It's impossible to ask him to wait for me until I grad.. and who knows, I might find someone else when I continue my studies oversea and ended up hurting him like what his ex has done to him... *sigh*.. yups, there's always that possibilty.. dah laa both his elder & younger sister is married.. which makes it even more obvious that he has to settle down quickly.. God! Have I just made another paragraph talking abt Mode again?!! argh... I guess we've been through a lot in 3 years time... have so many memories with him... I miss hearing him serenading me with his beautiful voice at night before I got to sleep, I miss baby-talking to him, I miss being pampered by him, I miss sharing problems with him, I miss hearing him laugh, I miss hearing him saying 'ish, ish ishhhhh... awak nie', I miss him.................

but of course, i won't be able to forget how he shattered my life into pieces when he said he's getting engaged.... i won't forget how excited I was to call him at 12 midnite Feb 14 2002, to wish him Happy Valentine's day, only to find out dat he's getting engaged the next day wen I asked him what his plan for that day!!!!!!!!! that's enough reason for me not to miss him that much! no, he never lied to me. he has been sincere since day one... it's not his fault. I was the one who was hoping that things were not serious enough between him & his new gf... i never thought that they are serious enough to get married.. :'(

but *sigh* past experience and loves are meant to teach us how to appreciate the ones that we gonna have in the future.. and yesss, I'm thankful knowing abang Ed now.. although I, myself, am not sure where we are heading.. but knowing that he's there makes my life seems more complete... he just fills in that emptiness inside me, he just gave me a reason, a motivation to go through my days here... he just lights up my life, gimme a reason to smile, something to look forward to.. someone to think about, someone that can makes me smile just thinking of him.. he makes me feel adored, precious, loved, manja'ed .. He makes me feel comfortable enough to open up to him, not to feel inferior & live behind the shadows.. The timing is right... although we're ocean's apart.. and although I've said before that I don't want to be in a long distance relationship.. but if with him, I just know that I can do it because in my heart, I know.. I really want to be with him, I'll find a way to make it work out. I care for him. I really do. I love him, sayang dia.. I haven't even told him that.. *sigh* tapi, yes... I do wanna be with him. I want to take care of him. I want to cook for him. I want to iron his clothes. I want to help him wear his samping di pagi raya... gosh! what's wrong with me... i have this images of him in my mind wearing a blue baju melayu & songkok with samping!! but *sigh* I don't know how he really feels about me, I really don't. He might saying all these sweet things to me, but it doesn't mean I do not have doubt abt it. I don't want to get hurt. I have to be pessismistic incase things go wrong... because I've fallen too deep for him... and I know it will be really hard if I were to get hurt.. and being faaaar from my life support, Sarah & my girlfriends is not even a good idea... who would I run to when I got my heart broken this time? :'(

I don't know laaa.... I wish abang Ed can actually makes thing clear, stop giving me hints.. if he wants to be with me, say it. if he doesn't.. then stop giving me hopes.. stop saying how he gets jealous with other guys who are after me.. stop saying how he'd spend all days with me if he were here masa Notts Games.. stop saying how beautiful, pretty I am.. stop saying how he wish I'm in Malaysia/he's in UK.. stop signing his card with 'yours, abang Ed'.. stop saying he'll always forgive me... stop saying how he feels like it's eternity when I do not talk to him for 2 minutes.. stop getting all curious abt my abang besar, Mode.. stop asking me to come back soom.. stop calling me sayang or dearest.. stop saying how I simply takes the darkness out of his nights.. stop ending our chat with " see you in my dreams".. stop being curious abt whether I'm a heartbreaker or not.. stop saying how he regrets asking me to put his fave. photo of me on Fster.. stop saying how he feels sick suddenly when reading abt what other guys have been writing to me..stop saying how much he wanna see me... stop it!!!

don't make me feel like this. don't leave me in uncertainty. don't ever do that to me...

Artist: Destiny's Child
Album: Survivor *
Title: Dangerously In Love

I love you... I love you, I love you

Baby I love you, you are my life
My happiest moments weren't complete if you weren't by my side
You're my relation and connection to the sun
With you next to me, there's no darkness I can't overcome
You are my raindrops, I am the seed
With you and God who's my sunlight I'm blooming, grown so beautifully
Baby I'm so proud, proud to be your girl
You make the confusion go all away from this cold and misty world

I am in love with you (in love)
You set me free
I can't do this thing called life without you here with me
Cause I'm dangerously in love with you (in love)
I'll never leave
Just keep loving me the way I love you loving me

I am in love with you (in love)
You set me free
I can't do this thing called life without you here with me
Cause I'm dangerously in love with you (in love)
I'll never leave
Just keep loving me the way I love you loving me

I know you love me, love me for who I am
Cause years before I became who I am, baby you were my man
I know it ain't easy, easy loving me
I appreciate the love and dedication from you to me
Later on in my destiny I see myself having your child
I see myself being your wife and I see my whole future in your eyes
In awe of my love for you, sometimes makes me wanna cry
Realize all of my blessings, I'm grateful to have you by my side

I am in love with you (in love)
You set me free
I can't do this thing called life without you here with me
Cause I'm dangerously in love with you (in love)
I'll never leave
Just keep loving me the way I love you loving me

Every time I see your face, my heart smiles
Every time it feels so good, it hurts sometimes
Created in this world to love, to hold, to feel, to breathe
To live you
Dangerously in love, yeah

I am in love with you (in love)
You set me free
I can't do this thing called life without you here with me
Cause I'm dangerously in love with you (in love)
I'll never leave
Just keep loving me the way I love you loving me

Dangerously (dangerously)
Dangerous, dangerously in love with you
Oh, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
I love you.. oh yes..

this song describes perfectly what's going on with me now.. Dangerously In Love.. *sigh*.. yes, dangerous! come to think of it, masa ngan Enrico I've never told him dat I love him back when he says he loves me. It just doesn't feel right. But now, I'm the one who is saying it, confessing my love for him... wanting him to love me. I'm so screwed up if he doesn't want me! *sigh*